Ever Settled For a Caramel Machiatto?

Most days, I wake up around 5:30.  

I never use an alarm clock - it's like there's a clock inside of me that's keeping up with the time and then awakens me right on time every day.

There's a part of us that never sleeps, right?  Song of Songs 5:2

Typically, my first thoughts are from pretty deep with in and take about 10 seconds.

I take a quick inventory of the day to come - and it's as if my heart is searching all of my appointments of the day to see if there's anything in the day that I can LOOK FORWARD TO!

If there's nothing that comes up - then it's difficult to roll out of bed.

You know - on some days - all I can find to look forward to is an expected phone call - or lunch with someone I care about - or a meeting that has ALOT of potential...

I also found out that I try to schedule things in my day that I know I can look forward to.

These things keep me going sometimes...sorta like a drug... (did I just say that?)... or sorta like an idol... (did I just say that?)... perhaps an emotional crutch that I can lean on in order to "have a good day"...(ok, I'm not liking this!)

The bad thing - is that on days when I don't have anything scheduled, I settle for things even more miniscule - like:

Chick Fil A 4 Pc Chicken Strip Meal.  I'll be driving down the road at 11:00 in the morning...long before I'm really hungry for lunch ... and there will be a few things that I don't really want to do on my schedule - and since there's nothing in my immediate future that I'm looking forward to doing... I SETTLE for fried bird in a box and an hour at the table alone with a good book and some iPhone time!

Late in the afternoon, when I don't have anything else on the schedule - and it's time to go home; i think:  

"If I go home, it's an admission that my schedule is empty" 

or I think:  

"If I go home, I'll have to connect with the reality of kids that want my constant attention..."  on some days, I don't look forward to that so...

I will settle for a Caramel Machiatto, if that's the only thing I can find worth looking forward to.

The challenge is to go into that void inside and ask the question:  "What is it about me that struggles with being Jeff - content whereever I am - and in whatever I'm doing?"

What is it in me that has to find something to look forward to on the "outside of me"?

Just letting you into my world - as I'm growing more comfortable looking forward to what's going on "inside of me".

Comments

[Roger Butner]

Man, this honest self-reflection and confession stuff is rough, huh Jeff?!?

But good for the soul and the journey of transformation in Christlikeness. Yeah, I just posted the other day about realizing I'm a "part time toddler." The good thing that hit me later that day was that at least I'm not longer a full time toddler. I think I moved out of that about a year and a half ago! :D

[Matthew]

This is a powerful post. Honest and raw. Thank you for sharing.